I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
