I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
