She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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