I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
