hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
