any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
