WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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