I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
