This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
