apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
