I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
