What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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