but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
