Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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