I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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