The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
