i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
