I want to walk on stilts...naked
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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