The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
