I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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