Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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