Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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