Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
