you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
