It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
