shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
