just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
