pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
