i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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