Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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