tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just google imaged poop.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
