I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
