i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
