I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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