also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
