Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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