im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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