don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
