Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
