Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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