No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
