i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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