I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
