i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
