u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
