We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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