first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
