I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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