I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
