Got a toothbrush?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
