I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
