sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
