People in love make me want to vomit
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
