why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
